suffering – OneHeart2Worlds

Death Grip: Letting Go of the Rope

Did you ever play the game Tug-O-War as a kid?

If you haven’t, it’s a game where you and some friends stand on opposite sides of a long heavy rope, gripping it and “tugging” on it as hard as you can until one team manages to pull the other over a designated line. Once the team crosses the line by giving way to your brute strength and unrelenting resolve, you win! Yay, game over. Simple enough.

Every time I played this game as a feisty and incredibly competitive eight-year-old girl, my hands took a beating. Callouses and cuts covered my palms as I’d grip that rope as tightly as I could, right up until the moment of sweet victory or the moment when I crossed over the “loser line.” No matter how hard it was to pull and tug and cling – I refused to let go. Call it stubbornness or “commitment;” I didn’t want to give up.

As an adult, I still tend to grab onto things and refuse to let go – and sometimes the things I hold onto are the wrong things. The approval of others, feelings of anger, old shame lies, comfortable sin habits, and the need for control being just a few of those things. I cling to them firmly, hoping to find the love, the justification, the happiness, or the self-inflicted punishment that I am looking for (and feel I deserve). I’m not ashamed to say that I love to win, but in a situation like that, the only way to truly win is to let go.

When it comes to my relationship with God, I also cling, but if I am completely honest, most times I don’t cling because of hope or love. I cling because of fear. It’s a fear that whispers, “If I let go of God, He will leave. If my grip slips or if my hands grow tired, He will walk away. If I let Him go, then He will most definitely let me go.” I’ve always thought that the secret to walking in righteousness and faithfulness was to hold on as steadfastly to God as I could. I was trying to hold on for dear life, and I was dying in the process. There were moments when I’ve thought to myself, “If only I grip hard enough, if only my fingers start bleeding, if only I pass out from sheer exhaustion – then I’ll be okay and only then will I be deemed worthy of love.” At least, that’s what I thought.

But it was on the days when I was weak that I learned the truth about God’s power and strength. God’s love was never dependent on how tightly I gripped onto Him. Instead, His love was and will always be entirely dependent on how tightly He grips onto me. And the beauty of that statement is found in the simple fact that He will never let me go. (And He will never let you go, either.)

Agh. Thank you, Jesus.

God does not want me to play Tug-O-War with Him. He doesn’t want me to waste my life trying to win over His love and affections and approval and acceptance through own human strength or ability. I don’t need to prove myself to Him or win Him over through my performance, my athleticism, my service, or my sparkling personality. The “loser line” has already been crossed, and here’s the major plot twist you guys – we weren’t the ones who crossed it. Heck, we weren’t even playing. We were sitting on the sidelines while Jesus willingly “took one for the team” and sacrificed Himself to become our champion, and His win was enough for all of us. The game is over.

When my trust and hope are in God and not in myself, I find the freedom (and the permission) to let go. The crazy part is that it’s actually in the letting go that my faith muscles begin to grow. My identity rests in the fact that God has my back, that He fights my battles, and that He won’t ever stop loving me (because His love never depended on me in the first place). He begins to increase, as I decrease. He becomes greater, as I become less. I need to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am enough, not because of how hard I try to be enough, but because my Heavenly Father already says that I am enough. As those truths start to sink deep into the dark recesses of my spirit and my soul – the shame, the fear, the performance anxiety, and the endless and pointless striving begin to cease.

Then the real post-game celebration begins. And that’s when the hardened callouses on my hands (and the hardened callouses on my heart) fade away, as I revel in the fact that it is finished.

Hebrews 13:5 – “For He has said, ‘I will never [under any circumstances] desert you [nor give you up nor leave you without support, nor will I in any degree leave you helpless], nor will I forsake or let you down or relax My hold on you [assuredly not]!'”

Blow-Up Mattresses and Broken Promises

You guys need to meet my mom.

My mom is a supremely gifted and creative human being, especially when it comes to interior design and home staging. She can turn any poorly decorated room into a beautiful work of art with just a few lamps, some rearranged furniture, and a freshly painted accent wall. In fact, my mom is so creative that she managed to find a way to turn our family’s dining room area into a makeshift bedroom for yours truly. The final touches included my very own clothing rack, a comfy blow-up mattress, and the privilege of being seven whole steps away from the refrigerator. Midnight snacks never tasted so good.

During these past few months at home, things have been ‘n bietjie deurmekaar (as they say in Afrikaans). Hectic, crazy, confusing, and pretty much “all over the place” sum it up quite nicely. It started with a jetlag-induced emotional breakdown which then led to several weeks of slowly readjusting back to a relatively normal American lifestyle. Then just for kicks, let’s throw in Thanksgiving with the family, several radio interviews, a high school human trafficking awareness presentation, my Grandma’s Birthday, an exciting weekend church fundraiser, Christmas shenanigans, a few biblical counseling sessions, dinner dates with old friends, New Years Eve firework watching, last minute sleepovers, oh… and breathing. Let’s not forget breathing.

By the grace of God I’ve somehow made it to January 1st, 2018, and while the world is striving to make their New Year’s Resolutions, I’m just trying to muster up the motivation to make my bed in the morning. While the world is trying to make promises and end bad habits, I’m just trying to find the energy to shampoo my hair. The truth is—if I had the time to jot down a bunch of promises to keep for this new year—Jesus knows I’d probably just break them anyway.

On one hand, my brain thinks to itself, “Yes Sam, do the workout, pray the prayer, skip the dessert, read the book, get the sleep.” On the other hand, my heart shoots back with, “Sam, what were you thinking? That workout will make your legs burn for weeks and who really needs sleep? Not you, you’re a superhero! By the way, that thought you had last night about eating doughnuts for every single meal is a top-notch idea! Do it.” The struggle, people.

So in the midst of this new and unpredictable season of life, I’ve decided to do things a little bit differently. I’ve decided to take the pressure off of myself to perform. Instead of making promises that I will most definitely break, I’ve decided to simply aim for progress. Instead of planning for perfection, I’m choosing to embrace interruption. That way, when things go wrong, timetables get adjusted, or blunders get made, I can brush the dirt off my knees, look for the teachable moment, and get up to try again. (Pangs of guilt and shame no longer included courtesy of Jesus.) Overall, I want this new year to be a season of learning how to walk by faith, a season of learning how to grow through mistakes, and a season of learning how to receive God’s undeserved and unconditional grace. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I get so caught up in my shortcomings and in never reaching “the proverbial mark” that I forget to look back at how far God has brought me, and I forget to be thankful for the moment that I’m in now.

So my friends, while we (both awkwardly and enthusiastically) stumble together through this new and fresh 2018 year—let’s take a gigantic leap of faith, go against the flow, and cut ourselves a little bit more slack.

You are loved.

Is It Well With My Soul?

I have always loved the classic hymn, It Is Well With My Soul. It’s a beautiful [and famous] song that’s sung in most Christian churches around the globe. It’s filled with lyrics that speak of surrender, peace, and complete trust in a God Who is good and sovereign. One verse says, “When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul.”

What I didn’t know is that the author of this song – Horatio Spafford – wrote this hymn nearly a week or so after his wife and four daughters set sail on a luxury steam liner to Paris for holiday in 1873. While he stayed behind to finish up some last minute work, the rest of his family boarded the ship. After a short time at sea, their steam liner was rammed by a British iron sailing ship and had sunk in the middle of the ocean. Horatio’s wife was rescued after being found unconscious – but his four daughters drowned and were killed. Once Horatio got word from his wife about the tragedy via telegram, he boarded a boat to reunite with her. As he sailed across the exact spot where the steam liner sank (and where his daughters were killed) – he penned the words to It Is Well With My Soul.

Hectic. The tragedy that Horatio faced while writing the lyrics to this song gives it an entirely new and significant meaning. Every time I listen to the lyrics play over my iPhone speakers – I am greatly challenged by this man’s faith, and I am greatly confronted with the lack of my own.

Continue reading “Is It Well With My Soul?”

When God Gives You More Than You Can Handle

This may come as a surprise to most of you, but… I love grocery shopping.

Well, actually wait. Let me rephrase that. I love food.

In all seriousness though, I love getting to stroll through the aisles of Publix while basking in the vastness of flavored ice creams, dinosaur chicken nuggets, and super unhealthy breakfast cereals. I love the smells of freshly baked breads and birthday cakes in the bakery section, and I love the beautiful sights of the rainbow colored fruits in the produce area.

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But most of all, I love trying to carry all of my grocery bags from my car to my flat in one trip – even if it means sacrificing a groin muscle or a pinky finger in the process. I know it’s silly – but I do it every single time, and every single time I am left with bruises on my thighs and painful red indent marks across my forearms. Some would say, carrying all of those grocery bags in one trip is more than I can handle… but I say… try me.

Continue reading “When God Gives You More Than You Can Handle”

Dance in the Rain

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain”

I don’t know about you, but I’m so ready for April to be over.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, April showers bring May flowers? Well, forget April showers, because this month came fully-loaded with torrential downpours! It’s been a month full of lost keys, acne breakouts, sinus infections, dangerously low bank account balances, and broken break lights. The struggle has been so deliciously real. (Deliciously, because I have never had to eat this many packages of super cheap 2-minute ramen noodles in my entire life.) Continue reading “Dance in the Rain”

Naked and Afraid

We’ve all experienced it at least once in our lives.

That embarrassing moment you just can’t seem to shake out of your mind. Maybe it was that moment when you were spending quality time with friends, telling them a fantastic joke or sharing an impressive story—when all of a sudden someone interrupts you and points out the large piece of “something green” stuck in your teeth. Uhhh, embarrassing. How long was it there for? Who noticed? Awkward…

Or maybe it was when you were in 3rd grade and you took a quick bathroom break, only to return to your classroom unaware that part of your uniform skirt was stuck in the waistband of your Minnie Mouse underpants. It happens, believe me… it happens.

We’ve all felt it. Shame. Embarrassment. Fear. Rejection. Continue reading “Naked and Afraid”

Let’s Get Dirty

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis

The word “love”—along with it’s many definitions—is splattered all over the pages of the bible. You won’t have to look very hard to discover that love is patient and kind or sacrificial and selfless. But this week, the Lord has been teaching me about another way to define love that isn’t spelled out as clearly in the scriptures.

Love is… dirty.

And just to be clear, I’m not talking about the bow-chicka-wow-wow kind of love…but nice try.

This kind of love is messy and uncomfortable. It inconveniences you and it requires you to take risks. It’s a love that suffers, that gives, and that exhausts you day after day. It’s hard and time consuming—and it will most definitely cost you something. It’s also important to note that this kind of love isn’t about you—it’s about them. And to be honest, when I see opportunities to give and receive this kind of love—I prefer to yell “fire” and run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. Continue reading “Let’s Get Dirty”

The Blog Post That Everyone Hated

I’m warning you now—you are not going to like this blog post.

This blog post is not filled with politeness or political correctness. It is not filled with flattery or superficial clichés that are meant to keep you comfortable. It is not a “feel good” post to boost your self-confidence, and it is not a post that will stroke your ego. This post is meant to tear you apart from the inside out.

You will not like this post because it will convict you, it will hold you accountable, and it will force you to look at yourself in a way that might offend you. So if you dare… read on. Continue reading “The Blog Post That Everyone Hated”

Embracing Your Sheepish Side

Have you ever heard someone use the word “sheepish” in a conversation? Maybe you’ve even used it yourself, saying something like, “wipe that sheepish grin off of your face, child.” Lord knows I’ve heard phrase that plenty of times in my life…

Well, I just discovered that the definition of sheepish is: to show or feel embarrassment because of an act of foolishness; or to resemble a sheep in timidity, meekness, or stupidity.

So, check this out. Last week, I spent a few days in a quiet little garden town called Greyton. I went hiking (and totally got lost) in the mountains, I frolicked through the grassy meadows (after frantically running away from a swarm of bees), and I stumbled (literally) upon a peaceful river. I couldn’t have asked for a better place to spend some quality time alone with Jesus. It was perfectly serene, and I honestly didn’t want to leave. While I was there, the Lord reminded me of Psalm 23. You probably know it because it’s one of the most famous passages in the bible, but just incase you’re unfamiliar… here’s what it says: Continue reading “Embracing Your Sheepish Side”

The Only Way out Is Through

Several years ago, my lovely sister Melissa (aka: Angel Princess) got a tattoo in Arabic that says, “the only way out is through.” Most of our family’s ethnicity is rooted in the Syrian and Lebanese cultures, so I thought the tattoo was really awesome. But I’ll be honest, I never gave much thought to it’s meaning… until now.

I’m an American, and after traveling to multiple countries across the world, I’ve realized that Americans have a stigma for being task-oriented, fast-paced, and overly-confident individuals. We like to get things done, and we like to get those things done quickly (even if that means sacrificing quality for quantity and/or our health for immediate results). The South Africans i’ve met in the Western Cape have more of a people-oriented, chilled out, “it will get done when it gets done” kind of vibe to them. People will always tend to think and act differently from one another, so I’ve had to learn to embrace those differences (just like people have learned to embrace mine). Continue reading “The Only Way out Is Through”