“Your pain could be God prying open your life and heart to remove a gift of His that you’ve been holding on to more dearly than Him.” – Tullian Tchividjian
Two words that are simple to understand and simple to write. Two words that can change a life – for better or for worse. Two words that have caused me to lose countless hours of shut eye during these past few weeks (maybe even months). Two words that instill a deep desire within me to sing a particular song from a particular Disney movie at the top of my lungs. “Let it go, Let it go…”
Letting go is hard. It almost always requires a step of faith, a burst of courage, and a heck of a lot of discipline. Three things that are nearly impossible for this 24 year old girl living in South Africa to muster up simultaneously. So what’s the big deal? Why is the struggle so real? Well, God has asked me to let go of the one thing that I love most. The one thing that I may have started to love more than Him…
Agh. Just typing that word out on this page gives me a nasty stomach ache. I’ve played soccer since I was 4 years old; it fills my life with passion, purpose, and pride. It’s a part of who I am. I am “Sam, that girl who plays soccer.” But you see, that’s the problem…
About halfway through my soccer season this year, I started compromising. My identity became: athlete. My value was being measured by what my coaches and teammates thought of me, and my worth was determined by how well I performed in each game. My standard of integrity declined to appease my friends, and I had forgotten the real reason why I stepped out onto the field in the first place. Not to prove myself. Not to please my parents or my peers. Not to impress my coach or the spectators. Not even to stay in shape.
I played to worship.
So, God challenged me with a question, “Samantha, my beloved daughter, who do you play for?”
My response: “Not You, God, at least… not anymore.”
His response: (*with a smile and a gentle nudge) “So what are you going to do about that, My child?”
My honest response: “Agh…”
I used to think idols were artifacts of the past. Golden statues that people bowed down to and danced around, but little did I know, idols are alive and well today (especially in my own life). It’s so easy for me to idolize people, meaning that I depend on them to fulfill my needs for love, security, comfort, and affirmation. I didn’t realize that my Heavenly Dad (who already offered me all of those things perfectly) was being replaced by counterfeits, by things and people that can never satisfy me. And I think this truth hurts Him more than it hurts me. He has a love for me that is so wide and so vast. He has a desire for me to know who I am according to Him and not according to the fleeting opinions and imperfect judgements of this world.
My friend Rencia shared some wise words with me the other day. We both were fighting this same battle around the same time, and she spoke these words to me with humility and conviction, “Sam I haven’t just been committing idolatry with God, I’ve been committing adultery against Him.”
Woah. Her words hit me hard. If am supposed to be in a committed love relationship with the Lord, then He is supposed to be my everything: my source of joy, my provider, and my strength. And I’ve been cheating on him with men that can’t love me unconditionally and with material things that can never satisfy. Not to mention, I’ve been taking the abilities and talents He freely gave me, and I’ve been using (and abusing) them for my own selfish gain. These things have taken God’s place in my heart, and it’s left me feeling insecure, empty, and desperate (things He never intended for me to feel).
So, with 5 games left in the season, I have to walk away. Do I struggle with the thought that I can just “tough it out, suck it up, and finish?” Yep. Do fears and worries constantly flood my mind as I step out in faith? Oh, yes. And as I battle with the concerns that my teammates will hate me, that I’ll be deemed a quitter, and that I will regret my decision to step back, I also know that God is faithful and that His promises are true. So, during this season of separation and extra spare time, I will walk hand in hand with the God of the universe who calls me His. I may try to run ahead of Him when I think I know the right way to go, and I may try to unlink my interwoven fingers from His when I want to go faster or further than He intends, but I find rest in knowing that He will always be patient enough to put up with my rebellious shenanigans.
Who knows? Next season is an entirely different story, and by that time, my heart may be in the right place to play again. God knows the desires of my heart: to serve, to marry, to play, to teach, to laugh, to adventure, and to grow (just to name a few things).
So for now, while I am confronted with this difficult season of sacrifice, I will do my best to “let go” of the fears and worries that come from this world, and I will choose to hold on to these unshakable truths instead:
Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Deuteronomy 31:8 Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.”